Sufjan Stevens "John Wayne Gacy Jr" Music Video

My computer died, I've got no internet... Thank goodness for cell to blog texting. It's Taco House day! Woo Hoo! Just hours away from cheese enchiladas. Yummy.

My Oasis: Isis

Went looking for some supplies at Isis today. I haven't gone in years and it was so great to be there again. New location this time and it took some getting used to the new store but it's closer so that's a plus. I love the feeling I get when I'm there. Calm. Peace. Inspired. It was like a homecoming and it reassured me of my course. I've finally made a plan of action. Or at least the start, better than nothing right? I feel positive for the first time in too many years. Also, for the first time since RD died I got out my tarot. I chose one of my unused decks...clean slate/new energy sort of thing. It felt so good holding those cards in my hands again I wonder how I've gone so long. I did what I always do the first time I use a new deck. I just took my time looking at each card, one at a time, and noticing all the detail on the card. If a particular card really seems to speak to me, or hold my attention I pull it out and set it aside. After looking through the entire deck I look up the card/s I pulled out.

Tonight, these are the cards that I chose: Ace of Swords, Three of Swords, I The Magician, IX The Hermit (Reversed), VI The Lovers, XVII The Star, XIII Death, X The Wheel of Fortune, Six of Cups and Four of Cups. All in all pretty great cards. Looks like things are turning around. More affirmation. Excellent.

Part IV: A New Hope

Don't just stand there and shout it, do something about it.

"That IS a Tasty Burger!"

I did really well today. I bet you're proud. Shannon had a party, and that gave me the perfect distraction. I only thought about you twice the whole time we were there. I drank and smoked and didn't think about you, most of the time. I was outside on her amazing balcony... and I looked up and there was Orion. Like always. Our connection to that collection of stars brings me such comfort. I know when it gets dark I can look up and I'm there with you through him. Anyway, now I'm at home, its 3am and I'm unable to stop the memory of that horrible man telling me about you. I think it was around this time of night, or is it morning? What do you call this time of day anyway? I'm listening to NIN now. Yep, I'm really settling into it now. I'm ready for it. I'm trying to turn my thoughts away from the memories of this specific day. Instead I'll remember that horrible pepper martini, sitting on the steps at the pier, our nap in the park, Scooby, our tree, and a million more things too private to share here. After 12 years I have nothing new to say. No new wisdom or peace. I love you every bit as much as I always have and my soul hurts every single day without you. I wish it were different, but it's not. You're one of a kind my love, and I'm afraid no one else will do. So, I'll do what I do every year on this day. I'll go to bed and let myself cry for us. I love you. I miss you.

Happy New Year!

You're My Lobster

So. I've just realized that it's almost January. Shit. I'm filled with the need to see you again. It's been so long since the last time I saw you, and I need that. Why don't you come see me? I've made some progress, you'll be glad to hear. However, knowing the answer and knowing how to get to that answer are not the same thing. I need my spirituality back. The things I believe in are such an important part of who I am and what we were together, and I just let it go with you. In the beginning it wasn't conscious. I just couldn't think about anything. Then I was angry. So angry that I was blind to any of the good that comes from spirituality. Without you I just didn't see the point. Then I began to realize that I wasn't being true to who I am...I had to chose a path. That led me to the biggest obstacle yet. For years I've chosen to ignore this area of my life. I chose to 'forget' about my spirit, and the spirits. I had begun to worry about choosing the right path. I didn't care about the path that led me down the road suited to myself and the things that I believe are important in this life. I had begun to worry instead on choosing the path that would be correct for whatever "God" may be the decider of what happens to me when I die. I don't want to do something that is going to send me somewhere separated from you. So, I stopped doing anything. Well here we are on the verge of another anniversary and I have to change it. I have to get back to my spirit. I'm hopeful that this will help me feel more connected to you too, until we see each other again. I can't worry about where that will be anymore. I finally realized that I don't need to anyway. You'll find me. So, I'm gonna get back onto the path that I've always followed, the truth as I know it. I know you'll be at the end. In the meantime, would it kill you visit once in awhile? I mean seriously. Shit. I fucking hate January and February. Please come. Please.