So. I've just realized that it's almost January. Shit. I'm filled with the need to see you again. It's been so long since the last time I saw you, and I need that. Why don't you come see me? I've made some progress, you'll be glad to hear. However, knowing the answer and knowing how to get to that answer are not the same thing. I need my spirituality back. The things I believe in are such an important part of who I am and what we were together, and I just let it go with you. In the beginning it wasn't conscious. I just couldn't think about anything. Then I was angry. So angry that I was blind to any of the good that comes from spirituality. Without you I just didn't see the point. Then I began to realize that I wasn't being true to who I am...I had to chose a path. That led me to the biggest obstacle yet. For years I've chosen to ignore this area of my life. I chose to 'forget' about my spirit, and the spirits. I had begun to worry about choosing the right path. I didn't care about the path that led me down the road suited to myself and the things that I believe are important in this life. I had begun to worry instead on choosing the path that would be correct for whatever "God" may be the decider of what happens to me when I die. I don't want to do something that is going to send me somewhere separated from you. So, I stopped doing anything. Well here we are on the verge of another anniversary and I have to change it. I have to get back to my spirit. I'm hopeful that this will help me feel more connected to you too, until we see each other again. I can't worry about where that will be anymore. I finally realized that I don't need to anyway. You'll find me. So, I'm gonna get back onto the path that I've always followed, the truth as I know it. I know you'll be at the end. In the meantime, would it kill you visit once in awhile? I mean seriously. Shit. I fucking hate January and February. Please come. Please.
Sunday, December 27
Thursday, December 24
Thursday, November 26
Saturday, October 24
Friday, September 11
Tuesday, August 4
FWD:
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Tuesday, July 28
Thursday, July 16
Tuesday, July 7
"We Had Him" by Maya Angelou
Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing, now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our fingertips like a puff of summer wind.
Without notice, our dear love can escape our doting embrace.
Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.
In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. No clocks can tell time. No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.
Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone.
Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.
He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance.
Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that.
He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.
We had him, beautiful, delighting our eyes.
His hat, aslant over his brow, and took a pose on his toes for all of us.
And we laughed and stomped our feet for him.
We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing. He gave us all he had been given.
Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eiffel Tower, in Ghana's Black Star Square.
In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh, in Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham, England
We are missing Michael.
But we do know we had him, and we are the world.
Wednesday, July 1
Goodbye Michael
I needed some time to process the death of Michael Jackson before I could write about it. Michael represents different things to different people. For me, Michael started my passion for music...and that passion has shaped who I am. I always loved music, but Thriller changed everything for me. I'd never really understood the concept of an album before Thriller, it was my first album. It was more than just a song...it was every song! I listened to that album over and over and over, committing it to memory. That was the first time I actually paid any attention to the lyrics of a song. It made me sing, it made me laugh and it made me get up and dance. The first concert I ever went to was the Victory Tour, for the Thriller album. I was in 6th grade, and I was the only person I knew who got to go. My Uncle Earl lent my mother the money to buy us tickets and I've never forgotten that night. Later, for the Bad tour, I was lucky enough to go to both nights at McNichols arena. The second of those two nights I was in 6th row...and to this day that is the best concert that I have ever been to. Over the years as people have asked me about my favorite/best concerts they're often surprised that it's not Bon Jovi. Don't get me wrong, emotionally the Bon Jovi concert is as good as it gets for me. However, NO ONE puts on a show the way that Michael Jackson did. It's just simply not the same thing, his shows were on another level. He was magical. Literally. His life has been so important to mine; his music so important to the fabric of me, that his death has filled me with mixed emotions. I'm so sad that he's gone. I'm sad that the end of his life played out the way that it did. I NEVER believed any of the allegations that he faced in his later years, and I wish that he didn't have to live under that permanent cloud of doubt. However, I can't deny that Michael was not the same person at the end of his life as he was when he changed mine so dramatically. So, while I mourn the loss of my idol, I'm also so happy that he doesn't have to be "Michael Jackson" anymore. I don't think that anyone but him can understand what that kind of fame can do to you, especially since it started when he was 5. No one has ever been that famous...and I think that all his life Michael was searching for all that he lost because of fame. It brings me peace to know that all that is over for him now. He's at peace. He can finally be happy...and we'll always have his music to enjoy. For me, that is who Michael Jackson was. The best musician, dancer and performer the world has ever known. There will never be another like him. Thank you Michael. Thank you for all you did for those in need, and all that you did for music. Now is your time...be at peace.
Gone Too Soon
Like a comet
Blazing'cross the evening sky
Gone too soon
Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon
Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night
Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon
Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon
Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon
Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day
Gone one night
Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon
Gone too soon
-Michael Jackson-
Dangerous
Friday, June 26
Monday, June 15
Kids Dancing to Apple Bottom Jeans by T-Pain
I love this video! The best is the breakdancing at 1:09...please to enjoy.
Wednesday, May 27
Something I Can Never Have (NINJA Live: Enlgewood, GO) - Nine Inch Nails
Another NIN video shot from the side of the stage by Justin.
I'm Afraid Of American's (NINJA Live: Englewood, CO) - Nine Inch Nails [Soudcheck]
Some awesome NIN footage shot by Justin at the NIN/JA show last night.
Tuesday, May 19
Saturday, May 16
Wednesday, April 29
Sunday, April 5
Tuesday, March 10
I Hate Stupid Girls... and Chris Brown!
First of all, Chris Brown is a piece of shit gorilla who is dead to me now. If it's true that Rhianna has gotten back together (or even married!?) with Chris Brown, then she is a stupid bitch who gets what she deserves, and she's dead to me too. These two deserve each other.
Tuesday, February 10
Scott Baio Farted On My Pillow!
"I need help! I need a facial! I need to go on a diet! I need money! I need new::sigh:: Perfect quote for how I feel today. (By the way...Name the movie anyone?) I'm going to whine now. Please to enjoy. So, I've had pink eye for a week now, and I think I've been a pretty good sport about the whole thing really. Especially considering my one and only previous go 'round with pink eye was something out of a horror movie. (That eye killed a friend's wedding photos, and lasted a month.) It is also true that I'm almost healed this time. I think maybe just another day or two before I'm completely healed, and I guess that's why I'm so fucking over it already! Now, I'm cranky about it. I've been in such a bad mood the past couple of days and it's because I just want it over already. Also, having pink eye the same time that allergies kick in... not great. I just want to wear makeup again. Without makeup I have black hair and blond eyebrows. Hot. I tried doing just the eyebrows, without the rest of my makeup... Hot Tranny Mess. It just doesn't work. So, instead I've got nothing...and black hair. lol I've never been a girl who refuses to let people see her without makeup, but the black hair is a full face commitment, or it just doesn't look right. With blond eyebrows? No. So, I'm ready to put my "face" on. I've also had a headache all day today.
shoes!"
On a good note though, I'm getting an income tax refund and it's sweet!
Tuesday, February 3
E*TRADE Baby Outtakes
Seriously, I can't handle the E*Trade baby...it's so funny. I LOVE these commercials.
Tuesday, January 27
Thursday, January 22
Monday, January 19
Thursday, January 15
Star Wars: Retold
Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.
OMG Seriously, so funny!
Echoplex
Nice and high and far apart
Just like they said
I built this place with broken parts
Just like they said
You chip away the old version of you
You'd be surprised at what you can do
I'm safe in here
Irrelevant
Just like they said
My voice just echoes off these walls
You feel me breathe
I am watching you
I see it all
The many ways you can't get to me
I see it all
I see the Hell you put yourself through
Oh the things I could do (if I wanted to)
My voice just echoes off these walls
My voice just echoes off these walls
I don't need anything at all
My voice just echoes off these walls
And I just slowly fade away
You will never ever get to me in here
-NIN-
Underneath it All
all I do
I can still feel you
numb all through
I can still feel you
hear your call
underneath it all
kill my brain
yet you still remain
crucified
after all I've died
after all I've tried
you are still inside
all I do
I can still feel you
you remain
I am stained
-NIN-
Friday, January 9
Death Day: Year 11
I just went back to read what I wrote last year. I was in such a good place then about this. Today, I'm not ok like I was last anniversary. This time I'm angry. This time I can't stop crying. This time it's a lot harder than it's been for a few years. I don't even know what to put in here. This year I just need to buckle down and get throw it. On the 15th, when I celebrate his birthday...it'll be easier. It's easier to remember the good stuff on his birthday, and the rest of the year. Today is nothing but an endless slide show of the day I lost him...and it's like mental torture that my own brain is committing on me. So, today is about masking the pain. So, the plan for attack this year is as follows. I'm going to smoke, smoke, drink, and let my friends distract me from this shit-hole-mind-fuck of a day.
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