So here I am again. It's 10 years today since I lost the love of my life, my partner, my joy. 10 years later and here I am again wondering what to do with this day. For the first time, I didn't think about him all day today. However, that still makes me feel guilty. I feel I'm at a place where I can finally think about him and smile. I don't feel like crying with every thought of him. It's taken 10 years to get to that point, so that's a big deal for me. Every now and then I might even mention his name when telling a story. That is also a pretty big deal for me. I don't talk about him to people, in fact I don't like to write about him here either, but I feel like it's good for me to do it. Writing about it here is easier than talking to someone face to face about him. See, no one gave a shit about him when he was alive... no one but me, so I don't feel like anybody has the right to talk about him to me now. They don't deserve to. They didn't know him, most of them didn't like him and some of them are glad he's dead now. So, you can understand if I'm reluctant to share my grief. So, I do it here and disable the comments because I don't want your opinion about it. I don't want sympathy. I don't want your helpful thoughts and insights. I want him. However, I know that thinking this way isn't good for me... so I try to get it out here. Here I can grieve without having to see others looking uncomfortable. So, what do I remember today? As I said before I'm finally to a point where I can think about him without it being sad. That being the case I think about him all the time now. I used to force him out of my head...I'm really good at that after all this time. If I feel the pain coming I just switch it off. Poof! He's gone. It's simple really. Now I don't have to do that as often. I remember so many great moments about him. He did a great impression of Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. "I killed him Gilbert!" That still makes me laugh out loud. The first time we kissed. The story he told me about a little boy and a red rose. Today though, it gets harder. Each year on this day those great memories are tainted with the memory of his death. That horrible day. The way the police told me he was dead. The coroner actually blurted out to me "Oh, he's dead. Did they not tell you?" That is how I found out that my future was gone. That my life was forever altered. Then, without warning they showed me a picture of his body and asked me to identify him. I will never forget that picture. Never. ::Poof!:: That day also has great moments too. I'm so lucky because we got to say so much to each other. We got to say I love you. I got to kiss him one last time. That is what I'm going to do today. Rather than think about what I lost, I'm going to think about what we had. I'm so lucky. I found my "one". So many people go their whole lives never knowing that kind of love, and I had it. I didn't get to keep it forever, but I had it for awhile and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He changed me in every way possible and I'm so glad that we found our way to each other. I don't want his memory to make me sad anymore. I won't let grief steal the joy of him from me anymore. I got my sugar skull tattoo in honor of him. In honor of the death that we're all heading for, there is a beauty in that inevitability. I used to crave death. For years I've wanted death to come for me, and the sooner the better. The quicker I die, the quicker I'm reunited with him. Now, while I still look forward to being with him again, I know that everything happened as it needed to. I'll be with again one day... but I no longer hope for it to come. I've still got life to live here. That being said, I've still got a long way to go before I'm "healed" (whatever that even means). I still can't imagine being with anyone but him. I don't know if I ever will be. We'll see. I'm open to it... if it comes my way we'll see. I've let myself fall down a pretty deep well in 10 years... and it's going to take work to get out of it. The thing is that for the first time, I want to get out of it. After he died I felt like, without him what's the point? Now I know that I'M the point. The best way to remember him is to let myself be happy and live my life. I know that now, my love. I hear you telling me to live and I'm ready to. I look at your face in pictures and you seem like some dream I had a long time ago. Almost like an imaginary friend that I made up... but you were real. "Our love changed the world"... you said that to me the day you died and I've never forgotten it. I miss you everyday. I miss my friend. I miss talking to you, and hearing you laugh. So, on this day, although I'm crying now after writing this, I'm also smiling. I'm smiling because I knew you, and I'm a better person for it. Goodnight my angel... maybe I'll see you in my dreams tonight and we'll laugh and talk together. Until we do see each other again, you don't need to worry about me anymore. I think I'm going to be alright now. I love you.
